When Your Biggest Weakness is your Biggest Strength

So yeah, life change is awesome,  Goal this time:  Change life so you don’t have to change it again.

We all know that person.  the one with the amazing self control.  They never drink.  They never eat sugar.  Their houses are pristinely clean at all times.  They never need to change or improve because they are intent on living the perfect life.  They are the person that makes us feel bad about ourselves – if we could just be more like xxx, our lives would be great.

But we’re human. We fail.  And failure is quite honestly one of the most beautiful things in the world.  I could argue all day that failure leads to success, but I’d be wrong.  Failure IS success.  Backwards?  Totally.  But not really.  Humor me.

I fail every day.  That is, my body fails.  I have Fibromyalgia.  I’ve had it since I was 14.  (that’s officially several years longer than I care to count, I digress). If you don’t know what Fibro is, google it.  It’s the strangest thing.  Pain without reason.  Accompanying syndromes.  Flu, colds, bugs, they all hit me harder than they hit the average person.  When you have Fibro, life changes.  Attitudes can change too – and that’s when you get in trouble.

It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself every day with this…honestly, I don’t even know what to call it?  A disease?  It certainly doesn’t seem like it.  A syndrome?  Maybe, but that sounds a little shrink-y.   Plague?  Dramatic.  Let’s just say it’s easy to feel sorry for yourself with this, and leave it at that.  I have been exceptional at keeping my attitude great, and staying reasonably healthy.  Until one of those freaking accompanying syndromes got me.  It turns out, your colon doesn’t like to be messed with, twisted, pulled, or irritated.  Your intestines don’t care for it either, honestly.  For a couple of years, I couldn’t get away from the pain.  My doctor and I decided to take the gamble that endometriosis was causing my issues, and we decided on a drastic course of action.  It was either try not to pass out from pain every time I bent at the waist, or have surgery.  I had a hysterectomy.  During the surgery, she did indeed find that my colon and intestines were in positions that nature did not intend them to be.  This was my cure.

Post surgery, my mom and sister went home, and I complained to the nurse that my abdomen didn’t feel right.  She told me to buck up.  A while later, she came back to take my blood pressure, I said I felt like I was going to pass out.  I woke up with the crash team around my bed, doing that terrible sternum rub (don’t let yourself get there, kids….that hurts…).  I was informed I had a bleed in my abdomen and I needed an emergency second surgery.  My doctor was en route back to the hospital in rush hour traffic, and I needed help now.  I signed the form and lost consciousness again.  I woke up on the ride to the OR.  Out again.  Woke up in the OR, when they were transferring me to the table.  I heard my doctor’s distinctive voice, saying “I’ve got you.”

I woke up later feeling terrible.  I’ve never been so tired and weak in my life.  My sister looked very worried and relieved I was awake.  The best man for my brother’s wedding had seen a facebook post asking for prayers for me, and had joined my sister at the hospital (you never forget those little things).  I was in the hospital for a week.  Transfusions are a good thing when you need them. So is sleep.  My television didn’t work in my hospital room, and I didn’t know it until the day before I checked out.  After I got home, I spent 5 weeks laying on my couch.  Everything took a tremendous amount of energy.  I climb 9 stairs to get from my bedroom to my living room.  It’s sad when you have to stop halfway and rest.

Fibro isn’t so bad.  I’ll take it.

December 2016 (and the two years leading up to it) totally made me re-evaluate pain and suffering from a new perspective.  I lost my happy.  I failed myself with the one thing I thought I could control (HA!) – my brain.  I lost myself, and once you lose yourself, it turns out sometimes you’re hard to find again.  A devil you conquer once is gone – you hope.  If the devil finds you again, it comes back stronger.

And that’s when my greatest weakness became my strength.  I decided to use my pain to fuel my life.  My pain brings me my compassion.  My pain brings me my open ears and my willing heart.  My pain helps me see others from a different perspective.  I don’t see people for their appearance, their faults, or their success – I see them for their spirit.  I see them for what they do with their pain, because I know what I do with mine.

I look at my friends, and I see amazing people – and I realize that I tend to surround myself with the people who have a devil or two on their back, and fight like hell to beat it down.  They do it with grace, they do it with humor.  And for those people – the devil fighters – I would go to the end of the world and back.

I wrote a little bit above about my attitude.  How do I get up every day and fight my devils?  With a smile.  Literally.  When I hurt, I compliment.  I reach out.  I show compassion.  I make a joke (usually at my own expense…if you can’t laugh at yourself….).  I throw myself into something for the greater good.  Because doing that heals me.  And it is amazing what your mind can overcome.  My pain melts away, and I go about my day.

If you’re still reading, thanks.  If you pulled a “skip to the end”, lemme sum up:  girl hurts, girl hurts a lot.  girl almost dies.  woman fights back.  warrior wins.

I know what it is to struggle every day.  I reach out, because I hope no one will ever feel alone in their struggle.

As a result, I’m that friend.  I’m that friend you call when you need a pick me up.  I’m that call you make when you don’t know where to turn.  I’m that friend that hops in her car (or even a plane) when you need her.  Because I’ve seen what feeling good can do for me, and I want that for you.  For everyone.  And when you can’t fight on your own, I’ll be your warrior until you’re ready to take over.

And friends, I always win.

Tomorrow is my “back to the gym” day, and I am in full on warrior mode.  I should just start complimenting people now…