New Year, New Allocution

So last we heard from our faithful hero, tomorrow was “back to the gym” day. My return to the gym was successful (as in, I went back again….and again…a lot of times…still going!) Despite my late start in the “lose the weight that makes you miserable” part of my 42nd year resolutions, I’m well on the path to completion – in fact, I’m already halfway there. Pretty sure I’ll be close to all the way there by the time I start my 43rd year. They say the last bit is the hardest…honestly, I’m looking forward to that. This battle has been hard fought, and I will win.

My life continues to transform in ways I couldn’t imagine. Confidence. Energy. My Happy. So many things. So here I sit on January 1, wondering what resolutions I have to make. It seems like the two I want most are beyond my control:

Find that Agent that will help you publish that book. Really, THOSE books, since there is more than one in my head waiting to come out.

Put myself out there to find the guy I sure hope exists. And yes, I have some pretty specific things on my “wish list”. I spent an entire month trying to figure out which things were most important to me, and came up with quite a dissertation, which brought me to more self discovery, and eventually, quite the statement of who I am. And since this **IS** my Evolution Allocution, I’m putting the ever in progress statement below. And if you happen to know the guy that (even mostly) fits the list, please feel free to let me know where to find him. At this point, I could use the heads up.

All the reasons I’m just really super awesome to date.  No,  Really.

Really?

I have an amazing capacity for acceptance and I’m an incredible support system.  I’m an unflappable calm within the storm.  When people are in crisis, I’m their call.  I am the girl that hops on a plane when you need a friend.  I am the one people call when they are panicked and don’t know what to do.  I will be the one to text or talk or sit with you till 2am and then get up, go to work, and still and text you all day when you need me.  I consider these things to be the core of who I am, and if you ask me what I’m most proud of, they are what I pick.

My efforts are frequently focused on doing good for other people.  Absolutely nothing makes me happier than making someone smile.  I’m also not a jealous person – I genuinely want to see you happy.

I embrace my inner nerd, and I have an off-beat and pretty quirky sense of humor.  I speak fluent sarcasm, and if you don’t, I have no time for you.  I also don’t take myself too seriously, and pretty much love to make fun of myself.  It’s a hobby.  I also seriously deadpan well.  Too well.

I insist on making up my own mind without being influenced by outside sources.  And once I make up my mind that I believe in someone, I’m generally pretty damn stubborn about it.  At the same time, I’m pretty good at admitting when I don’t know Jack shit about something, or when I’m wrong.  (Please note I didn’t say I LIKE admitting it.  Ha ha ha.  I just own it.)

I will fight for what I want.  I’ve realized that the things I’ve loved the most have also terrified me the most.  Talking about why I’m super awesome kind of terrifies me (or, at the least, makes me really squirmy) so….good?  

Expressive – writer, speaker (yes, this sentence fragment is irony personified!) and adorably, I cry at sappy commercials.

I’m a great listener.  No lie, people I don’t even know spill their life story to me, because they just feel like they can.  Maybe because they sense they won’t be judged.  People generally also get that I won’t try to fix their universe for them, just hold their hand while they walk through it.

Fair warning, I rarely drink.  I see no point.  If that makes me boring, then ok.  I’d rather spend my energy in the kitchen.  I’m an awesome cook, by the way.  However, I can’t flip an omelet to save my life, so please don’t ask.

I’m fiercely loyal and supportive to those I love.  I seriously cherish the role of second fiddle when the people I love are getting to shine…why?  Because when they shine they smile, and there is no place in the world better than being with someone living up to their potential. 

I refuse to let people down.  Once I give my word, that’s it.

I believe that romance isn’t roses and candlelight…although they’re great…romance is doing the dishes because your partner hates to.  A random text or email during the day saying you’re on their mind.  Caring enough to ask hard questions.  Having your back when you need them.  Working at a relationship.  Honesty.  Romance = Thoughtfulness.

I am sometimes annoyingly logical.  Not so much girly all the time.  (I do reserve the right to be girly though.  It’s only fair, I both know how to be girly AND have the chromosome…)

I love to travel.  Put me on a plane and send me to a beach.  Or better yet, send me somewhere with old things like historic houses, museums, AND a beach or pool.  (Where do I find that?) 

I. Know. What. I. Want.  I accept people for who they are, not what I want them to be.  (WHY do women always do that?)

What’s wrong with me?  In the sprit of full disclosure, plenty.  For instance, I can’t flip an omelet.  When I dance I think I look like Kermit the Frog in The Muppet Movie (look it up….) but I still like to dance anyway.  Giraffes are my spirit animal because I always feel awkward.  I like to think I could play piano like Harry Connick Jr., if only my fingers would do that.  I am overly critical of myself.  I am at the time of publication, slightly fluffy (but becoming less so every day), and place entirely too much stock in the fact that the guy for me will only like me if I have perfectly flat abs instead of all the good things I am.  I’m an unpublished author – hey, want to read my manuscript?  I’m a recovering workaholic.

And seriously – I’m a home body most of the time.  My perfect date is cooking with someone, and doing something like taking a walk, playing cards, watching movies, or just talking.  Dating isn’t about what you buy me – dinner, jewelry, presents – none of it means anything. The best time is the one on one time, when you really get to know someone. 

What I need from a guy:

A guy secure with his off own beat humor and sarcasm – Absolute number one.  A physically hot guy will hold my attention for roughly five minutes.  A guy who uses smart humor and wit to get my attention will have my heart.  Especially if he doesn’t take himself too seriously along the way.  Also, those qualities make a guy SUPER hot. 🙂

I need someone who puts up with my inner nerd.    Seriously, I generally don’t care what people think of my personal nerd fests.  And I really want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to be a nerd too.   If I don’t feel like I can really be myself around someone, or feel like they won’t be themselves with me, then it just won’t work.  I accept people for who they are, I just like the same in return.  (in other words, don’t take away my Giraffe stuffies, and understand I’m a Hufflepuff/Gryffindor hybrid.). In return for your generosity, I will enthusiastically support your Star Wars/super hero/lord of the rings/sports/<insert obsession here> obsessions.

And really, if he could be a little awkward and nerdy too, that’d be awesome.  Someone who gets that first dates are generally disasters and that you have to make it through more than a couple before you really get to see the person.  Because I guarantee you this:  I will be a disaster on a first date. :p  I suck at meaningless small talk.  I will drop or spill something.  I’ll say something (probably more than once) without thinking.  Also, I need a guy who gets that sometimes, I need to either be dating Captain Obvious, or alternately, be hit over the head with a two by four to drive a hint home.   Since I refuse to assume things, I generally miss signals like “he’s flirting with me”.   Seriously, I’m not trying to not flirt back.  Why do I suck at dating?

I absolutely cannot be with a person who doesn’t understand that we’re all part of the world together, and that we need to leave it a better place than we found it.  If you don’t have something you believe in – even one thing – I’m not interested. 

He really needs to be articulate – I missed omnipotence day in school, and can’t read my own mind some days, let alone the male mind.  (Seriously, how did I graduate to adulting???  How I survived my childhood without product use warnings is the subject for a whole other essay.). I don’t need someone who will constantly talk about his feelings (or listen to me talk about mine), just someone who can say what he’s thinking about or wanting me to get through my occasionally thick and unobservant head.  I am, after all, from Minnesota, where our state motto is ‘Don’t talk about it, and avoid conflict like you would the plague’.

Being devious and being a co-mastermind in my evil plots to take over the world is critical.  Seriously, some days I’m Marvin the Martian, some days I’m the road runner, and some days I’m totally the coyote. 

I want to be with a guy who WANTS to understand me, (or, at least listen to/read my occasional ramblings) and accept me for what I am and who I am and what I offer.  Someone who genuinely listens, and who gets that my relationship with him means he is important to me, and who can make me feel like I’m important to him too.  (Granted, this isn’t terribly hard…yet most people don’t get it.)  I don’t understand when guys are surprised when you put an important relationship first.  Dammit, is this another “I need captain obvious” moment?

One thing I have learned that I need is to feel appreciated for who I am and what I bring to the table, not my material value.  I really like to be needed.  (Doesn’t everyone?) Of course, I’m also uncomfortable with people telling me they appreciate me…but I’m working on that.  Because, there is seriously nothing hotter than a man you love telling you how much he appreciates (and needs and loves) the person that you are.   (Of course, that’d probably make me cry too.  Adorably, of course…) 

Can he also believe in the Oxford comma? 🙂

In all seriousness – (and this is SO important…equally as much as the sense of humor) I want someone flawed.  Perfect is boring…and it’s certainly not me.  Everyone has baggage, I’m looking for someone with space on their luggage cart whose bags don’t clash with mine.  I want someone who has experienced hard times so they know joy.  Someone who has experienced rejection so they accept love.  I want someone who has made mistakes and owns them, and grows from them.  Like the song says, “I need all the cracks in my shattered heart cause that’s where her love gets in.”  

Oh my god, that last sentence is totally me, to a T.  It totally works both ways.  How do I know?  It took me 42 years to be able to write a list of nice things about myself without laughing.  I’ve got cracks in my heart too.