Inspired by a Boy Band at the age of 41?

Last night, my nearly 80 year old mother and I watched a NKOTBSB concert on television.  Yeah, I know a lot of you think there is just a whole lot of wrong in that statement.  But my mom is a fan of Donnie Wahlberg since she started watching him on Blue Bloods.  I maintain I knew all along he’d amount to greatness, as he was my favorite New Kid.

Mom had never seen a New Kids concert before.  I’d been to one a couple of years ago with one of my BFFs from high school, Melissa.  At the concert, I had stood there among a crowd of 10,000 adult women, and screamed like a 14 year old girl for two hours.  (which is honestly remarkable since I never screamed like a 14 year old girl when I was 14…just ask Melissa!). I decided that mom had to see this concert since it was on TV, conveniently from the convenience of her easy chair.  Mom was not entirely sold on the idea.  But boy did it take me back to the days I’d sit and listen to the new kids for hours.  My creative writing started with writing stories about them.  I guess I should write Donnie Wahlberg a thank you note for starting my passion for writing.  Honestly, I’ve been stuck a little as to a subject for the next blog to write, and once again, due to watching NKOTB on TV, I have Donnie to thank.  Am I up to the level where I need to send him a fruit basket yet?  Probably.

So last night, I was watching the concert, and they sang one of my favorites – a song called “Games”.  It starts with Donnie saying the words “No More Games is about Positivity.  And Positivity is not about being soft, it’s about being smart.”  The little lightbulb went on.  I’ve loved that phrase since I first heard it, but it really has new meaning as you get older.

Living your life positively, and true to yourself, isn’t just about being charitable, caring, or forgiving.  It’s all about it.  It’s all about limitations, and knowledge and love.  In short, life is about Positivity.  But where you direct that positivity is what matters.

Women are different than men emotionally.  Women are expected to be giving, caring, nurturing, forgiving, and strong.   We are expected to turn the other cheek, and let things slide.  Menopause gives you enlightenment about these things.  Age, experience, and wisdom tell us everyone deserves a second chance.  But when you have been subjecting yourself to being on the receiving end multiple times, what kind of a chance are you giving yourself?  At what point do you draw the line and say “enough” and walk away?

As you get older and more confident in yourself, you really start to make choices about who you’re going to be.  Do you choose to be someone who talks badly about people and create drama?  Do you choose to be someone who gives of themselves until they drop from exhaustion?  Do you choose to be someone people can trust, or do you choose to trust others?  Do you choose to be the person who keeps their word?  What version of yourself do you choose to project to the world, and to yourself?

The biggest secret to self discovery is that you have a choice in who you are.   It’s kind of like weight loss – if you want to lose weight, you don’t eat an entire pizza every day, you make healthier choices.   And if you want to be skinny, you put the work in – you start moving more, and you see results.   If you want to be the person who is trusted and respected, you choose to put forward actions that get you there.  If you choose drama, negative feelings, or destruction, you put those actions out to the world.  I can tell you the easier choice to make each time is to take the path of least resistance – the negative one.  Cutting others down is the easiest way to artificially inflate our own egos.  But at what price?

We all have that one friend.  That one friend that we can’t believe is real.  That friend who is respected by everyone they meet.  The friend who can do everything.  The friend everyone wants to be like.  But I guarantee you that friend wasn’t born that way.  I guarantee you that person made conscious decisions to become the person they are.  That person worked really hard for the respect they receive.  I have friends like that.  They inspire me every day.

I also guarantee you that friend isn’t perfect.  She’ll be the first to tell you so.  But the choices she makes on the regular give you the confidence in her character.  What choices do they make?  To give of themselves, and to chose the right path whenever possible.  I also guarantee you that your friend doesn’t think she’s perfect, or that she’s finished with her own evolution.  A wise woman knows that’s always in progress.  But at some point, you turn the corner, and you’re closer to who you want to be than where you were, and your relationships begin to transform.

Do you want to turn that corner?  Start by observation.  What behaviors do you see that one friend emulating.  What choices do they make that make you wonder how she got to be as awesome as she is?  I guarantee you that they’re around commitment, follow through, charity, and kindness.  Becoming that kind of person can be a long and involved process, but it starts with choices that you will never regret.

So what’s the first step to change?

It’s the choice to change.  It’s a big step.  It’s a choice to change how you treat yourself.  Do you want to be cared for and respected?  Then care for and respect others, and for yourself.  The golden rule really is golden, trust me.  It’s also the choice to not only hear, but to listen.  If you ask that amazing woman how to change, she’ll tell you to start by zipping your lips and opening your ears.

The second choice is to choose not accept being treated with disrespect by someone else.  Second chances exist, but do third, fourth, and fifth chances exist?  That’s up to you.  Do you have enough respect for yourself to not let yourself be treated unkindly repeatedly by others?  It’s ok to choose boundaries, self-care, and respect.  You need to.  As women, we tend to think that’s not ok – that we need to forgive and move on.  But we don’t, really.  And believe it or not, making that choice is setting an example for the women around you.

Try to look at yourself like you’re in a survival situation.  Let’s say you’ve fallen into a lion’s den.  There are three hungry lions, and a ladder is right next to you, leading safely out of the den.  You have a choice – do you allow yourself to be eaten alive, or do you choose to climb the ladder to safety?

Setting the example is powerful, and society changing.  How many people point to the Notorious RBG, Princess Diana, or Mother Theresa for a standard of behavior?  Each of those women set a bar – for intelligence, for personal commitment, and for charity (respectfully).  and they all set a bar for devotion to those particular characteristics.

Right now, we live in a culture where women are finding their voices.  It’s so important that all of us find our voice.  We worked off the labors of suffragettes to get what we have.  If we don’t transform ourselves now, what will we leave for the next generation?  And you help can’t set a standard of who to be without deciding who you are.

“Positivity.  It’s not about being soft, it’s about being smart.” Smart is not falling into the lion’s den a second time.  Smart is climbing that latter.  Share with me that moment you climbed your ladder to change….

Boy Band or Philosophers. I’ll let you decide.